


Sanzo's Major Award (2012)

by JennyB



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Crack, Implied Relationships, M/M, Vibrators, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-10
Updated: 2012-06-10
Packaged: 2018-01-05 00:09:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1087268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sanzo's Major Award causes quite the stir among the ikkou. Told from Gojyo's POV with voice-over asides and third-person narration.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sanzo's Major Award (2012)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [svana_vrika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/svana_vrika/gifts), [blackazuresoul](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackazuresoul/gifts), [Caeseria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caeseria/gifts), [Sharpeslass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharpeslass/gifts), [theskywasblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theskywasblue/gifts).



> Dedicated to the lovely ladies from AN2012, who were so _gracious_ enough to volunteer me for this crack!fic. For those who haven't seen  A Christmas Story, the inspiration came from drunken discussion of the leg lamp scene and Hakkai and Sanzo having a similar discussion...
> 
> Crack!fic. Pure and simple. Please don't take this seriously in any way, and remember that this was adapted to suit the prompt. That said, sit back, hold on, and enjoy the ride. (Vomit bags are in the seat pocket in front of you, should you so desire...) ♥
> 
>  
> 
> **Disclaimer: A Christmas Story isn't mine, though the story was the inspiration behind this. **

I really should have known better.

It had started out as one of those _it seemed like a good idea at the time_ things. You'd think that by now, I'd know that most 'good ideas' that I get when there's alcohol involved are likely to blow up in my face, but honest to fuck I could see the potential for hilarity with this one. And if Sanzo hadn't totally blindsided me by proving that the only thing I can predict about him is that he's unpredictable, this would have been the greatest practical joke ever. That's not to say I didn't get some twisted pleasure from all of this. Hell, I got the unexpected bonus of indirectly irritating the fuck out of Hakkai - sort of a two-for-one deal. But in the end, all I really managed to do was guarantee a permanent roommate for myself in the form of one Son Goku, and screw myself out of a share of some really hot sex. Figures. I do all the work, and everyone else benefits.

I wish I could say this was just bad karma, or the result of evil forces at work, but I really have nothing to blame for this but my own stupidity. After all, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that you can't fuck with Sanzo and win. Well, that is unless your name's Hakkai.

Hakkai...

This had all started in the first place because of Hakkai and his domestic bullshit. We were in some nameless town, and he'd been flitting around the kitchen suite like some deranged Betty Crocker on crack. He was in the middle of baking brownies for the monkey, and had asked _me_ to go shop for groceries for dinner. Of course, when I'd asked why Sanzo couldn't go, His Ass-Holiness had immediately pulled his gun on me and told me to 'just fucking do it'. In hindsight, telling him that he needed to get laid was probably _not_ the best response, especially considering the fact that the prick nearly shot my dick off. At the time, I'd had half a mind to tell him his aim was shit, but lucky for me I'd quickly rethought the logic behind that. Knowing Sanzo, he'd have shot me square in the nuts just to prove his point.

So, after I was 'volun-told' to go on Hakkai's shitty errand, Sanzo refused to give me the gold card to pay for it. That was a smart move on his part. I think he knew I'd run up a gloriously high tab of booze and bimbos just to embarrass him and give the Floating Heads an aneurysm. Hakkai gave me enough cash to cover what he wanted, but I'd waved off waiting for him to write me a shopping list. Again, in hindsight, probably _not_ a wise move on my part. Once I was out on the street, I couldn't remember (nor could I give a shit) if he'd asked for choy sum, or bok choy, or lo bok.

Unable to remember and not wanting to hear Sanzo sniping in my ear about what a useless idiot I was, or subject myself to one of Hakkai's emasculating lectures, I left the market and found the local dive bar. Over a beer or ten, I bemoaned my shitty luck, and found myself wishing for a way to really stick it to Sanzo for being such a lazy fuck. Since, you know, I couldn't really _stick it_ to Sanzo. Heh. 

Well, as luck would have it - or as I now believe, the gods were bored and decided to fuck with me - as I was walking back to the inn empty handed, I passed by the local erotica boutique, and slowed down when I saw the hottie in the yellow vinyl miniskirt standing out front selling raffle tickets.

"Hey, Handsome," she purred as she offered them. 

Out of reflex, I reached for the book. Hell, she could have been handing out angry cobras, and I'd have stuck my hand out. 

"We're having a party tonight. Celebrating our first year in business. Lots of prizes to be won."

"Hey yourself," I replied as I leered at her. "Are you one of the prizes?"

Giggling, she gave me a playful shove, and then shook her head. "No, but if you fill out this contest blank, you might just _get lucky_ tonight." 

"Oh yeah?" I glanced down at the book of tickets I held in my hand, and arched a brow. There were several draws for various adult toys, and a wicked smile crossed my face as I pictured Sanzo-sama looking all flustered with a twelve-inch dong waving in his face. "I'll take the rest of the book."

* * *

To say that Hakkai was pissed when I got back was an understatement. He didn't say anything, but after being gone for nearly two hours and coming back empty-handed, I could see that he was hoping I might spontaneously combust if he stared long enough.

"They were all out of that stuff, Hakkai." I lit a cigarette and tried to look casual. From the way his eyes narrowed slightly, I could tell he didn't believe me. "Honest!"

Sanzo, who was still sitting on his imperious ass and reading the paper, snorted. "You're about as honest as you are chaste, you lying kappa piece of shit."

"Fuck you, Buddha!" I replied hotly. "Why don't you come say that to my face?" Never mind that he was right; the point was he was slurring my name!

"Now, now," Hakkai said as he stood between Sanzo and me. "Gojyo has no reason to _lie_ about not picking up the vegetables, does he?" He gave me that creepy stare of his, the corners of his mouth turning up just a little. He knew I was full of shit, and I was sure I'd hear about it later. "That said, I'm afraid I have nothing for tonight's meal."

"Gojyo, you asshole!" Goku shouted. "If I starve to death tonight because of you, I'm kicking your ass!"

"Like you're going to starve, you little retard!" I shot back. "Besides, there's a perfectly good restaurant in the inn!"

"Oh, does that mean you're treating tonight, Gojyo?" Hakkai asked, that weird smile widening just a little.

 _Bastard._ I glared at Hakkai as I exhaled a thin ribbon of smoke. "Yeah, I guess that's what it means," I said tartly, though when Goku started in on all he was going to order, I grabbed him by the front of the shirt and gave him a shake to bring him back to reality. "Hey! I'm not made of money, you greedy little shit! You want more than what I can afford, you'd better talk to the priest!"

Sanzo just shrugged. "Not my problem. You find a way to deal with it, dumbass." 

I swatted Goku in the back of the head when he gave me a smug grin.

Sanzo folded up his paper and got to his feet. "Let's go." He smirked coldly. "It seems I've got a bit of an appetite tonight."

"Yeah, and you can eat my dick," I muttered under my breath as I followed them into the corridor. I suddenly found myself nose-to-nose with Sanzo's banishing gun.

"What was that?"

I gave him a slightly panicked laugh as I took a half-step back. "I said, 'Yeah, me too'."

"Hn." He dropped his weapon and fell back into step with Hakkai, Goku practically bouncing off the wall in front of him. "That's what I thought you said."

Behind his back, I gave him the finger. Immature, yeah, but it still made me feel better.

By the time we reached the restaurant, I was more or less over it, especially when I saw that the place was packed. "Wow. Busy place. Must be good," I said.

"Very good," the hostess said as she came to put our names on a waiting list. "It'll be about twenty minutes."

" _Twenty minutes_?" Goku moaned. "That long?"

She laughed a little. "I'm sorry, really. But here, this should help pass the time." She handed him a word search. "We have a weekly puzzle contest. You can win a free meal, or even a bit of cash. It's kind of fun!"

Goku reluctantly took the paper. "Yeah, I guess so. I'd still rather be eating, to be honest." He borrowed a pen off of Hakkai and then began working at the thing.

Watching him try to figure it out really was like watching a retarded monkey. He'd get this furrow between his brows and scrunch up his face as he stared at it, as if through sheer force of will the answers would magically jump off the paper. I wondered what they'd say if Goku turned in a blank form, and I snickered under my breath - though I nearly choked on my cigarette when fucking _Sanzo_ took the puzzle and began filling it out. "Since when do you do puzzles?" I asked, surprised that Priest Pissy Pants had taken an interest in something so stupid.

He glared at me. "Just shut the hole under your nose for five minutes. I'm trying to think."

Imagine my surprise when he turned it in to the hostess as she was showing us to our table.

"Did you put your name on it, Sanzo-sama?" I teased.

"Shut up."

"Aww, do you want to win a prize to impress your pet monkey?"

"I said shut the fuck up."

I snorted as I sat down and picked up my menu. A slow grin settled on my face as I scanned it. 

"And wipe that dumbass grin off your face before I kill you."

Yeah, he'd put his name on it.

* * *

It was nearly nine by the time we got back to the room. It had taken _three hours_ for us to eat dinner - or rather, it had taken that long for the monkey to finally stop shoving things into his pie hole and announce he was full. Not that Sanzo had done anything to help in that regard. He'd kept reminding Goku of the various dishes he _hadn't_ yet tried, and I really think the stupid ape made it once around the menu. 

There was little chance of me making a poker game; most would already be full, and any that weren't likely weren't worth my time anyway. I hoped that there would be a good movie on the television, and barring that, maybe the others would be up for a bit of Mah Jongg. But I hadn't expected things to turn so entertaining on their own.

Around nine-thirty, there was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it!" Hakkai announced as he went to answer it. "Yes? May I help you?" he asked when he saw a young man dressed in black leather pants and a motorcycle jacket standing there.

"Um, yeah, hi," the man said as he ran a hand through his long black hair. "I was asked to deliver this to a, uh..." He glanced down at the package he held in his hands. "Genjyo Sanzo. I guess he won a prize."

"A prize?" Sanzo echoed as he arched a brow. "What is it?"

"Dunno," the man said. "I was just asked to deliver it."

"The goddess must be smiling on you today," Hakkai teased as he handed the man a few coins and took the package, closing the door behind him.

"Shut up, Hakkai," Sanzo groused.

Hakkai chuckled softly as he set it down on the table. "Well, at least see what you won for all your hard work, ne?"

Sanzo snorted as he lit a cigarette. "If you care that much, you open it."

"If you don't want it, I'll open it!" Goku said, his eyes wide and shining with excitement. "I like presents!"

"Now Goku, it really is Sanzo's to accept. Though, I suppose if he doesn't want it..."

"Tch. You're both a pain in my ass," he grumbled as he finished off his beer and got to his feet. "If it's something stupid, I'll kill you for wasting my time," he muttered.

"Such hardship," Hakkai said as he peered sharply at Sanzo. "Tearing you away from all that, making you open a gift." He put a hand to his heart. "My apologies."

Sanzo didn't appreciate the sarcasm, and he gave Hakkai a withering glare before he ripped the tape from the package and lifted the lid. He looked confused for a moment as he parted the tissue paper and removed an eight-inch fluorescent green vibrator, though his eyes widened and his cheeks turned a brilliant crimson when the jelly tentacle jiggled slightly and he saw the tag: _Alien Anal Invader_. Hurriedly, he shoved it back in the box and replaced the lid.

I'd forgotten about the tickets I'd bought that afternoon! I was currently biting the inside of my cheek so hard to keep from laughing that I could taste blood. Karma could really be a bitch sometimes - and it looked good to see it lay the smack down on one asshole priest.

Hakkai, who had also seen the contents, had his lips pressed into a thin line. "I'm sorry, what kind of contest did you say you'd entered, Sanzo?" he asked. "I find it strange that the restaurant would choose that particular item for a prize."

Hakkai seemed almost _upset_ by all of this. Now _that_ was interesting.

"I didn't enter _that kind_ of contest!" Sanzo hissed back. "Don't be stupid!"

And Sanzo was being _awfully_ defensive. I was starting to think that those tickets were the best investment I'd made in a long time!

"What is it?" Goku asked as he tried to peek into the box, seemingly oblivious to Sanzo's discomfort and Hakkai's irritation.

Remembering that the monkey was standing right there, Sanzo looked about ready for the floor to swallow him up as he went suddenly mute. It was Hakkai who answered.

"Um, it's a..." Hakkai paused to clear his throat. "A...it's a-a _Major Award_."

I started coughing to cover up the snickering. Though I had to give it to Hakkai - that was a pretty good save.

"Can I see it?" Goku asked eagerly.

"No!" Sanzo and Hakkai shouted in unison.

"It's a very special, _private_ award." Hakkai added.

"What, you're not going to display it on your mantle, Sanzo-sama?" I drawled lecherously. Even though I received two death glares in response and I'd likely be killed when they figured out I was responsible, it was totally worth it to see Sanzo turn beet red again.

Hakkai briefly rubbed at his temple, and then forced an awkward laugh, one of his plastic smiles now firmly in place. "Perhaps we should send it back where it came from?"

"I'm not sending it back," Sanzo said.

I think Hakkai and I wore matching expressions of shock on hearing that. I had no idea the priest would be into it! He'd always come across as some sort of sexless asshole. Seriously, I'd had my doubts that he even spanked it!

"I'm sorry, but you're _keeping it_?" Hakkai asked, his gaze narrowed.

"It's a Major Award, Hakkai!" Goku interjected, ready to defend the prick. "Sanzo earned it!"

I nearly choked on my beer when Goku said that. Yeah, the prick deserved _everything_ he got from this!

"It's a little bit complicated, Goku," Hakkai replied, looking about ready to kill. "May I ask your reasoning?" he asked frostily, unfazed by the murderous glare Sanzo was giving him in return.

I smirked as I lit up a cigarette and watched their body language. That settled it; those two had fucked - or at least mutually jerked off. And from the look of it, Hakkai wasn't as interested in having a 'threesome' with Sanzo's Major Award as the priest.

Sanzo gave a blasé shrug as he lit up a cigarette of his own, trying vainly to minimize his own discomfiture. "You really think they'd take it back?"

Hakkai tensed visibly as he pondered the logic behind that. After a moment, he nodded stiffly. "Point. But we could leave it here." 

"Not likely. Not with my name on the fucking room!"

Hakkai looked annoyed a moment longer, and then smiled widely. "Well then, I suppose there's no sense in further debate, is there?"

"Nope. Guess not," Sanzo replied as he returned to his chair, and his beer.

"Fine."

Despite Hakkai's smile and seeming acquiescence, I could tell that just below the surface he was seething with barely repressed rage. At that point, the smart thing to do would have been to come clean about the whole thing, confess that I'd done it as a practical joke, and take whatever shit was headed my way. We could have carried on with our shitty little death march across China, and maybe had a laugh about it over beers later on. But I never claimed to be smart.

Besides, this was getting too damned interesting.

* * *

It turned out that Hakkai wasn't as 'fine' with everything as he'd let on. In fact, the more time that passed, the more irritated he became with Sanzo's Major Award. From what I could gather, Baldy was spending more time riding his Green-Skinned Alien than he was riding the Green-Eyed Demon. Trust me; I'm a pervert. I know these things. In fact, to look at him, I could tell Hakkai hadn't been laid in a while. Now, if it were anyone else, I'd have offered my services, but when he was in a bad mood Hakkai tended to lack a sense of humour about things like that, and I kind of liked having my dick still attached to my body.

Anyway, over the next couple of weeks, there was a definite battle of wills over the thing. Hakkai, being the sneaky bastard he was, would often hide the box and then laugh sheepishly and cite forgetfulness for not packing it. And Sanzo, being the surprise kinky fucker that _he_ was (I was still trying to get my lecherous brain around _that_!), had started checking prior to every departure to make sure it hadn't been left in a drawer. Or under the bed. Or in a trash can and covered with papers.

The fact that Sanzo was so attached to a fucking _vibrator_ of all things would almost be laughable if it wasn't for the fact that he was snubbing Hakkai for it. To be honest, I couldn't understand that logic. Don't misunderstand me. I mean, when you're feeling kind of _anxious_ , I'm all for a little _self-help_ myself, if you get my drift. But _nothing_ compares to the real thing and if I had Hakkai wanting to do me, believe me I'd let him. 

And Hakkai - for as much as he beat himself up over shit and denied his own wants, he didn't handle rejection well. I knew it was going to eventually come to a head, and when it did, my money was going to be on Hakkai. Sure, Sanzo had his gun and his sutra, but Hakkai could be a nasty son of a bitch when he put his mind to it. And when I looked at him that morning and saw that almost too-serene smile on his face, I figured he'd put his mind to it.

In the time I've known him, I've learned that Hakkai is nothing if not patient. That afternoon, when we'd arrived at the inn, Sanzo parked himself at the table to read his paper, leaving Hakkai to unpack and prepare dinner. Hakkai didn't say much as he worked. He put the coffee on to brew and baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies for Goku, and returned to his puttering.

We were all more than content to leave him to all the work as we lazed around. Sanzo was hidden behind his paper, and Goku was stuffing cookies into his face and reading a comic book. As for me, I was busy flipping through a skin magazine and fantasizing about what I'd like to do with Miss Shangri-La, a pack of Hi-Lites and a clean ashtray conveniently at my side. Hakkai had done a fantastic job distracting us, and he'd expertly lulled us into that false sense of calm by carrying on with his daily routine as if nothing at all was out of the ordinary. None of us can say for sure what really happened next. One minute, we were all sitting there, totally relaxed, and the next...

...There was a horrendous crash from the kitchen.

Sanzo leapt to his feet, knocking his chair over in the process, his banishing gun at the ready.

Goku sat up with a start, his eyes wide. A cookie half-hanging from his mouth, all he managed was a less-than-intelligent sounding, "Huh?"

To be fair, I didn't fare much better than Goku. The sound startled me, too, and I lost my balance in the chair I'd been leaning back in. It was only through some graceless flailing and a bit of luck that I didn't wind up on my ass. "What the fuck was that?"

"How the hell should I know? I can't see through walls!" Sanzo replied hotly, though he lowered his gun as he approached the kitchenette. "Hakkai?"

The three of us hurried to the doorway when we heard a pained, somewhat sheepish sounding laugh, and when we got there, we could see Hakkai sitting clumsily amongst the gear he'd been in the middle of putting away. There were a few pots and pans scattered about, and it looked like a couple of bags had been overturned, their contents spread haphazardly around the floor. I could hear a stuttered buzzing sound, and it was then that I noticed the smashed cardboard box sticking out from underneath Hakkai's body. "I am _so_ sorry," he said contritely as he gazed down at the floor and ran a hand through his fringe of bangs in obvious distress.

"What's going on? What happened?" Sanzo demanded as he, too, heard the sound and realized where it was coming from.

Hakkai looked up then, and for a moment, he worried his bottom lip. "I don't know _how_ it happened; I was picking up the bags, and I slipped on something on the floor and lost my balance." He shifted his position, moving to a half-kneeling stance. "The bags broke my fall, but I came down pretty hard, and when I did..." His gaze shifted to the cardboard box and he glanced sorrowfully up at Sanzo. "I think I broke your...award."

If it had been me or Goku, I'd have believed it. But Hakkai was like a damned cat; he always seemed to land on his feet.

Sanzo didn't say anything. He didn't even ask if Hakkai was all right. He just stared at the broken, buzzing box. It was like he was in shock, unable to believe what he was seeing.

After a few moments of stunned silence had passed, the box gave one last feeble wheeze and went quiet. Hakkai carefully picked up the box in his hands, and his expression turning even more chagrined, he held it up. "It was an accident. I didn't realize it was there."

Hakkai's words seemed to jolt Sanzo from his stupour, and with trembling fingers he snatched the box away, holding it tightly against his body. "Don't you touch that!" he snapped as he glared at him, that vein in his temple throbbing angrily. Sitting back on his heels, he lifted the lid, and from where I stood, I could see that the jelly probe was hanging limply, and the base had been not just cracked, but nearly broken clean off. His jaw clenched tightly when he saw the damage, and he hissed venomously, "An accident? Nah. You did this because you were _jealous_!"

Hakkai's eyes widened momentarily, then narrowed as he dropped the genteel façade. A dangerous smile curved his lips upward, and I swear the temperature of the room dropped by ten degrees from the frigid glare he levelled at Sanzo. "Jealous?" he echoed incredulously. "Of...of _that_?!"

"Yeah, jealous!" Sanzo sneered. "You've always been jealous. Ever since I won it!"

Hakkai's expression morphed into a scowl. "That's ridiculous! Jealous!" He snorted in disgust. "Won it? Oh come on, Sanzo! You can't honestly believe you won that! I refuse to believe you're that foolish!"

"Why couldn't I have won it?" Sanzo demanded. "You really think that I was that clueless about life until you came along? Get over yourself, Hakkai! It's not like you taught me anything _that_ unique, Sensei!"

I arched a brow and smirked. I knew I'd been right about the two of them - and this was starting to get _good_! 

Hakkai was fast losing his composure, and he actually _growled_ at Sanzo. "So, you finally show your true feelings, do you? Well, just so you know, it was _Gojyo_ who entered a raffle and used _your_ name. Isn't that right, Gojyo?" His eyes turned to me, and I could feel the heat of that glare. "He was hoping to humiliate you, but I guess you showed us just how like him you really are, didn't you?"

I couldn't believe Hakkai had ratted me out to the shitty priest! I smiled weakly when Sanzo's gaze snapped over to me, and I gave a half-hearted wave. "Uh, hey." Despite the allure of their little tiff, it seemed like a good time to get the hell out of there. Grabbing Goku by the back of the shirt, I started dragging him towards the door. "We're going on an...errand."

Goku, wisely, didn't argue. He probably wanted out of there just as badly as me. "Yeah, see you."

The two didn't seem to care that we'd left.

"You take that back!" Sanzo hissed. "I am nothing like that perverted roach!"

"No?" Hakkai's lips curved up into an almost cruel smile. "Then you tell me why you feel the need to satisfy yourself with that cheap, unhygienic, pathetic, _artificial_ excuse for a penis!" Hakkai didn't often raise his voice, but when he did, it was truly terrifying.

His cheeks red in a combination of anger and embarrassment, Sanzo's mouth worked silently for several moments as he tried to come up with either a plausible answer or a crushing insult. When he couldn't do either, he glanced down at the box once more. "Get me the glue," he seethed. "Now."

"I'm very sorry, Sanzo," Hakkai replied with saccharine politeness, his expression anything but apologetic. "But we're out of glue and I haven't been to the market yet today."

Sanzo's face turned nearly purple as he processed that, an irrational rage quickly consuming him. "You used up all the glue _on purpose_!" he shouted, realizing the stupidity of his statement after he said it but too proud to retract it.

"Yes, Sanzo," Hakkai replied, a cold, sarcastic smile easily slipping into place. "I did it on purpose knowing that _Super Glue_ would be your best choice for something you wished to use on your genitals."

Sanzo's ire, if possible, only increased on hearing that. There weren't many people who could render him speechless, and I'd have found it all pretty damned funny if I hadn't been down in the restaurant watching Goku shotgun a sundae and wondering how long to wait for them to cool off before daring to venture back.

Standing up, the box still cradled to his chest, Sanzo's mind frantically worked for something - _anything_ \- he could say that would give him the last word. All he could come up with as he slammed the box down on the table top was, "Not a finger, or I'll kill you!"

After single-handedly tearing up the entire hotel room and spreading clothes and equipment from one end of the suite to the other, Sanzo finally managed to locate a roll of duct tape. With a surgeon's precision, he worked carefully to rebuild it, and when he was finished, he held it up in smug triumph. Ignoring the condescending arch of an eyebrow from Hakkai he turned it on, though his smile quickly faded when the jelly tentacle began flapping around like it was having a seizure, and the motor gave a half-hearted whir before failing with a spectacular shudder. He scowled when, seconds later, the tape let go, leaving the battery dangling limply by its wire.

Hakkai, who had been watching the entire thing, blinked in surprise and then burst out laughing.

"Shut up," Sanzo growled as he slammed the vibrator down on the table top, a very sour expression on his face. His scowl deepened and Hakkai only laughed harder when the vibrator then made a half-assed attempt at working again before falling silent. Permanently.

"I said shut up!" Furious, Sanzo came around the table at Hakkai, who merely smiled and caught his wrists. Sanzo tried to kick, but Hakkai evaded. He'd fought alongside and sparred with Sanzo enough to know all his moves, and Sanzo had to have been pretty furious to even think he had a chance at beating Hakkai. Hakkai toyed with him for a while, and when he'd had enough, he slammed Sanzo's back hard against the wall, half-pinning him there and smiling wider as Sanzo continued to struggle. "Let me go! Damn it, Hakkai - right fucking now, or I swear I'll shoot you dead!"

I could sympathize; Hakkai's grip was like a vice, and if he didn't want you to move, you didn't move.

"Mmhmm," Hakkai murmured, as if trying to appease a petulant child. "I know you will. But maybe you'll grant me amnesty?"

Sanzo's curiosity won out over his anger. "Amnesty?"

Hakkai nodded. "I know it's been some time given your preoccupation with your...with things. I may not have all the _accoutrements_ it possessed-" He paused to repress a shudder. "-but I have ten fingers. And teeth. And a tongue. And I am _incredibly_ flexible." He chuckled softly. "And I'm not just referring to open mindedness."

"What else are - _oh_." Sanzo arched a brow. "And if I'm not feeling charitable?"

Hakkai touched the tip of his tongue to a canine in contemplation. "If not, then I suppose I'll have to buy you a replacement and wish the two of you all the best."

Sanzo's brow went higher. "That's not how amnesty works, Hakkai. That's an ultimatum."

A very Cheshire cat-like smile curved Hakkai's lips upward. "Is it? Hn..." His eyes shuttered slightly, and he peered at Sanzo through fanned lashes. "Regardless, you'll get...satisfaction."

Sanzo snorted slightly. "Bastard. Fine, then I reserve judgement until morning. You have until then to plead your case."

"That is incredibly fair," Hakkai murmured before capturing Sanzo's lips in a deep, hungry kiss.

* * *

When Goku and I came back to the suite, I let the monkey go in ahead of me. I figured if Sanzo was waiting there with an itchy trigger finger, he could plug the ape rather than yours truly. When no shots were fired, I went into the room, too, only to stop and gape stupidly just like Goku. Hakkai and Sanzo were practically devouring each other, and they looked like some sort of weird octopus among the tangle of arms and legs. "Damn," I murmured as I lit up a cigarette and leered, my mind already going places it probably shouldn't. I could appreciate the hotness of the image, even if it did involve Sanzo. 

"Gojyo, it's rude to stare," Hakkai murmured as he glanced over his shoulder at me, and he disentangled himself from Sanzo just enough to tug him toward one of the bedrooms. "I'm sure you can find something more productive to do than teach Goku your bad habits."

"Yeah. You want something to do? Make yourself useful and deal with that, you letchy roach," Sanzo barked as he nodded toward the table. "I don't want to see it later."

"Me? Why the fuck do I have to, _Sanzo-sama_?" I demanded hotly. "It's _your_ shit!"

"Because I fucking told you to, and if you don't, I'll shoot you." He smirked at me when I rolled my eyes. "In the nuts, you pervy, voyeuristic waste of space."

"You're one to talk! You're the biggest perv of all of us!" I ducked when a bullet grazed my ear. 

"And keep Goku occupied. And feed him. The two of you are going to be bunk buddies until we reach India."

"You asshole!" I shouted, but he ignored me as he and Hakkai disappeared into their room, the door slamming and locking a moment later. "Fuck! That's bullshit!" I groused. "He's the one getting laid, and I'm the one dealing with his fucking _Major Award_." 

I turned my attention to it. Just what the fuck was I supposed to do with it? I knew Sanzo and Hakkai both would kill me if I just left it in the garbage for the cleaning staff to find. For half a second, I thought about flushing it - it was what it deserved for all the trouble it had caused.

"We could give it a proper burial?" Goku suggested. "It was a Major Award, and important to Sanzo. And people do that to remember important things, right?"

"Goku, you don't-" I looked at the serious expression, and I barely managed not to roll my eyes. "Yeah, fuck, fine. We'll give his Major Award the sendoff it deserves."

I don't think the monkey understood that funerals were for living things, and even at that, I still don't think he knew just what the hell Sanzo had won. To him, it was something Sanzo had liked, and that was enough. Maybe later I'd educate him. And let Hakkai deal with the fallout of ten thousand questions...

But, if that's what Goku wanted, at least I wouldn't have to do the work myself. Besides, I really wasn't all that keen on hearing Sanzo and Hakkai fuck the house down. Yeah, on the one hand it would have been great material to wank to, but that was going to be hard to do with Goku hanging around. I had a feeling my life was going to become a lot more celibate with that particular monkey on my back. _Bastards_.

Letting Goku take the lead, we gathered up the remains of Sanzo's Major Award in an empty cracker box and buried it in the back gardens of the inn under a gingko biloba tree. After a moment of silence, Goku offered up a few words of remembrance, though I really wasn't paying much attention to what he was saying. I was saying a prayer of mourning for my own libido. After all, I was the one standing outside having a remembrance ceremony for a broken vibrator while Sanzo was inside getting banged by one hot piece of ass. 

It wasn't fair. And once again, I realized that I was an idiot. I hoped that I'd remember this little misadventure the next time I got it in my head to try to fuck with Sanzo, but chances were good that I wouldn't. Sanzo was just too tempting of a target for me. In fact, I was willing to bet that the next time, I'd actually believe I could pull it off. I'm a hopeless optimist like that.

Nothing more was ever said about Sanzo's Major Award. Hakkai maintains to this day that it was an accident, but he always smiles when he says it. More like 'accidentally on purpose', if you ask me, but I'm not about to question his sincerity. 

After all, if I was totally honest, the whole thing had impressed the fuck out of me.


End file.
